[Book Reviews] How to Love a Porcupine vs. The Prophet of Mercy: Lessons in Compassion and Self-Care
In life, we often find ourselves navigating relationships that challenge our patience and emotional well-being. Whether it's a friend, family member, or coworker, dealing with people who seem to "prickle" us at every turn can be exhausting. But what is the best way to handle these difficult relationships? Should we invest energy in understanding their behavior, or is it better to simply extend mercy and move forward?
In this post, we'll explore two contrasting approaches: Dr. Debbie Ellis's How to Hug a Porcupine and the Islamic teachings on mercy as embodied by Prophet Muhammad (SAW). Each offers valuable insights into dealing with difficult people, but ultimately, it's about finding a balance between compassion for others and mercy for ourselves.
Before leaving for Aix, I saw my son bought the book How to Hug a Porcupine. The book intrigued me, especially when looking at the price tag—around RM50 for a thin book that was somehow a bestseller. As a curious mom, I wondered why this book held such appeal. After Aidan left for college, I found it on his shelf, untouched. Did he read it? Who knows? So, I decided to dive in myself, finishing it within 24 hours.
And honestly? I wasn’t impressed. Why would anyone deliberately choose to endure the emotional struggle of trying to understand and accommodate a difficult person? I couldn’t grasp the purpose of putting yourself through that just to "hug a porcupine." When I first saw the book in Aidan’s hands, I had asked him, "Why bother hugging them?" But he just stayed quiet, while I rolled my eyes at the whole idea.
Relationships can be tough, especially when dealing with people who seem emotionally distant or difficult. Some relationships require more patience, empathy, and understanding, while others make us question why we even try. Two very different approaches to navigating difficult relationships come from the books How to Hug a Porcupine by Dr. Debbie Ellis and The Prophet of Mercy by Sh. Omar Suleiman and Sh. Mohammad Elshinawy. The former focuses on understanding and handling challenging personalities, while the latter offers a glimpse into the boundless mercy of Prophet Muhammad (SAW).
But which path should we take? Should we strive to deeply understand and accommodate "prickly" personalities, or should we simply offer mercy and move forward for the sake of our own peace?
Dr. Ellis’s book suggests that prickly behaviors often stem from insecurities or past trauma, and understanding them could help foster more harmonious relationships. It’s a noble idea, but emotionally draining. To me, it felt like more effort than it was worth.
Then, there’s The Prophet of Mercy, a book I'm currently reading. It contains hadiths we’ve all heard about Prophet Muhammad’s SAW incredible mercy, especially toward those who wronged him. Even though I’ve read these stories many times, I still cry every single time. How could he SAW be so merciful when the treatment he SAW endured was unthinkable? When we hear about the torment and betrayal he SAW faced, our hearts ache with anger. Yet he SAW responded with mercy and forgiveness.
Take, for example, the story of Wahshi, the man who killed the Prophet’s beloved uncle, Sayyidina Hamzah RA. The pain and grief the Prophet SAW felt were unimaginable, yet he forgave Wahshi. Even though Wahshi avoided showing his face out of respect for the Prophet’s sorrow, Rasulullah SAW still granted him forgiveness. How could anyone possess such boundless mercy?
As I read these stories, I cry for the loss the Prophet SAW experienced and for Wahshi’s "guilt pain", even after being forgiven. The mercy the Prophet SAW embodied brought peace and healing, not just to others but to himself as well. His ability to forgive allowed him to find solace with his past, something I’ve struggled to do even after years of holding on to hurt.
Understanding the Porcupine: Empathy and Patience
In her book How to Hug a Porcupine, Dr. Debbie Ellis offers a psychological perspective on dealing with difficult individuals. The metaphor of a porcupine is apt—porcupines are prickly, but they're still living beings deserving of love and care. Ellis emphasizes that behind difficult behaviors, there are often deep-seated fears, insecurities, and past traumas. By understanding this, we can approach these people with patience and empathy.
Ellis suggests that rather than taking their negativity personally, we should recognize that these "prickles" are a defense mechanism. The more we can empathize and provide a non-threatening environment, the more likely we are to help them soften their stance. However, she is also clear about the importance of boundaries—loving a porcupine doesn't mean getting hurt in the process. Personal boundaries are necessary to protect our mental and emotional health.
This approach is valuable for long-term relationships, especially in family or work situations where cutting ties is not an option. Understanding and empathy can lead to more meaningful connections, but it can also be emotionally exhausting, especially when progress seems slow or nonexistent
The Prophet of Mercy: A Higher Example
On the other hand, the Islamic approach as illustrated in The Prophet of Mercy by Dr. Omar Suleiman and Mohammad Elshinawy is rooted in the example of Prophet Muhammad (SAW). The Prophet's response to hostility and insult was not one of deep analysis but one of immediate and profound mercy. He rose above personal hurt and chose forgiveness, even when people persecuted him. His mercy was not contingent upon understanding others but was an intrinsic part of his character, fueled by his trust in Allah.
The simplicity of this approach is its beauty. By extending mercy, we release ourselves from the burden of trying to understand or change others. Instead, we trust in Allah's wisdom and embrace patience and forgiveness. This not only leads to inner peace but also softens hearts over time. Prophet Muhammad’s (SAW) remarkable grace often transformed his enemies into followers, showing that mercy has the power to heal and change even the hardest of hearts.
Forgiveness for Ourselves: The Hardest Lesson
Here I am, years down the road, still holding onto grudges, still finding it hard to forgive and let go. It’s tough, especially when the pain runs deep. But one thing I’ve learned from the Prophet’s (SAW) example is that his mercy wasn’t just for others; it was for himself, too. Mercy is a means to peace, both spiritually and emotionally.
In the tug-of-war between these two approaches, where should we stand? Both approaches emphasize compassion and understanding, but they do so in different ways. Dr. Ellis's approach encourages empathy through understanding the roots of difficult behavior, while the Islamic perspective focuses on extending mercy without demanding understanding. Both have their place, depending on the relationship and context.
As I reflect on these two books, I realize that while understanding others can be valuable, there’s a simpler, more powerful path—mercy. Mercy allows us to protect our emotional well-being, while still extending love and compassion to others, without getting caught in the exhausting task of deeply analyzing or trying to change them.
In both approaches—whether it’s learning to love difficult people or showing mercy without expecting anything in return—self-care is paramount. Yes, How to Hug a Porcupine offers some practical strategies for dealing with challenging personalities, but the effort required can be draining. Maintaining personal boundaries is critical, as we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be hurt while trying to understand someone else’s prickles.
On the other hand, the Islamic approach, focusing on mercy and forgiveness, provides a more sustainable way to engage with difficult relationships. By trusting in Allah and extending mercy, we free ourselves from the need to control or change others. The simplicity of showing mercy brings inner peace and spiritual growth, allowing us to move forward, even when the other person remains difficult.
Finding Solace in Faith
The Quran offers us guidance in how to deal with harsh people. In Surah Al-Furqan (25:63), Allah says:
وَعِبَادُ الرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلَّذِينَ يَمْشُونَ عَلَى ٱلْأَرْضِ هَوْنًۭا وَإِذَا خَاطَبَهُمُ ٱلْجَـٰهِلُونَ قَالُوا۟ سَلَـٰمًۭا
“And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth humbly, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace.” [QS 25:63]
This verse encapsulates the essence of the Islamic approach—walking with humility, refusing to engage in conflict, and maintaining emotional restraint. When we face hostility, responding with peace not only diffuses tense situations but also helps us maintain our emotional equilibrium. It beautifully captures the essence of mercy—responding to ignorance with peace, rather than hostility. The humility and emotional restraint promoted by the Quran serve as a reminder that our strength lies not in changing others but in maintaining our own peace of mind.
Choosing Mercy for Ourselves and Others
The key takeaway from both perspectives is the importance of self-care. In dealing with difficult people, whether through empathy or mercy, we must first safeguard our emotional well-being. Prioritizing mercy for ourselves—by setting healthy boundaries and knowing when to let go—allows us to engage with others from a place of strength rather than depletion.
The wisdom lies in balancing both perspectives—understanding people’s difficulties can lead to better communication, but showing mercy without getting emotionally entangled is often the healthiest path. Ultimately, protecting our mental and emotional well-being is the foundation of all relationships. By extending mercy to ourselves first, we can ensure that our compassion for others stems from a place of strength. Whether we choose to empathize with the porcupine or simply offer them mercy and peace, the goal is to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
In the end, mercy—both for ourselves and others—becomes the ultimate tool for healing. It is a lesson taught by our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW), whose example continues to inspire us in all aspects of life. May we find the strength to show mercy, while also prioritizing our well-being, as we navigate the challenging relationships in our lives.
The Prophet's SAW life teaches us that forgiveness and mercy are powerful, but they don't mean allowing ourselves to be harmed. Even he (SAW) sometimes distanced himself from toxic environments until the circumstances improved. Likewise, if a relationship is consistently harmful or draining, it is a sign that letting go may be necessary for our own emotional health.
Forgiving and letting go, as taught by the Prophet Muhammad SAW, is not about excusing bad behavior but about finding peace within ourselves. His example reminds us that through mercy, we can rise above pain and conflict, finding solace in the simple act of letting go.
May Allah grant us the strength to forgive, to let go, and to extend mercy, first to ourselves, and then to others. Allahul musta'an.